January 30, 2010

It just helps to talk

Tonight I had a nice, long talk with a very close friend. It was nice to talk to another woman in a way that only two women can, even if said friend doesn't know that I identify as a female. She and I have just always had that kind of rapport. She's always been very much like a sister too me and very open with me and aside from struggle with my gender identity I've been very open with her.
Sadly though, due to schedule conflicts and life and general we haven't had a chance to really sit and talk to one another in that way and we got a chance to do so this evening. It was very nice and made me realize how much I missed having people around me to open up to. How much I need that and of course how much I utterly lack it most of the time.
Because of some very bad experiences in the past, I've become a very guarded person. Despite longing to have people close to me to talk to and be honest with I am very wary of doing so. Being hurt one too many times for wearing my heart on my sleeve I started being secretive and closed off from all but a rare few I trust with my life and my secrets.
Opening up a bit tonight made me realize how I'm finally starting recover from some very old, very deep wounds and wish I had more friends to trust in. Maybe if I did I'd finally come completely out about my gender identity and take risks such as dressing more femininely, being 100% myself and what not. While I endeavor to find that in my life, it is still nice to know that just talking helps so much.
So in the spirit of that I'll try to do so here more often because while it isn't as nice as having a face-to-face dialog, being able to open up here and be honest and be me without fear, guilt, etc., is something I really should do more often. Catharsis is nice. I need to experience it more often and in more varied forms.

No more being silent because it seems safe. Silence is a little death that should be avoided.


  1. It is such a wonderful experience to be able to have close friends and just talk with them. I have a couple close friends that I talk with in the TG community and being friends with them and being able to just be myself and talk to them is so nice. Being able to open up to someone, even if it is online, takes so much weight off of your shoulders because they know what you are going through, they understand. I wish you the best in opening up more. :)

  2. I believe all of us in the TG circles can identify and empathise with your struggles as we've all dealt with being depressed about our life and our inability to share and seek comfort from another.

    For me one part of wanting to be a girl, which isn't touched on in the majority of captions including my own, is to have that female to female friendship. To be able to hug, cry, play and have fun with, confide, gossip, etc. and just look cute together taking a million glamourshot photos together.

    Hugs and good luck